Other (14)

• Many people devise their own tests of devotion in modern relationships, such as delaying texts or dropping hints, but Shankar Vedantam notes these tactics often create distance and suspicion, similar to the preposterous tests in Shakespeare's 'The Merchant of Venice'.
• Sonia Lubomirsky, a psychologist, studies ineffective strategies people use to feel loved, often observed in shows like 'Couples Therapy' where resentment stems from a fundamental lack of feeling loved, rather than specific actions.
• Sonia Lubomirsky identifies a common disconnect between being loved and feeling loved; a survey with nearly 2,000 individuals found that 70% reported not feeling as loved as desired in at least one relationship.
• Common experiences of not feeling loved include social exclusion, forgetting important details, or a perceived lack of support during illness or adversity, demonstrating that a 'love deficit' can extend to broader communities and contribute to loneliness.
• Counterproductive strategies for feeling loved involve trying to impress others with extrinsic qualities like physical attractiveness or accomplishments, or hiding one's blemishes; Sonia Lubomirsky argues these actions might impress but fail to forge genuine connection.
• Sonia Lubomirsky views modern texting as the 'currency of modern relationships'; she ended a relationship because her partner's slow response times made her feel unloved, highlighting how perceived unresponsiveness can be interpreted as a lack of care.
• The key to feeling loved is to change relationship conversations from performative displays to deeper engagement, focusing on genuine curiosity, listening, and asking questions to make the other person feel seen and heard.
• Sonia Lubomirsky's 'sea-saw' metaphor illustrates that showing genuine curiosity and warmth to another person 'lifts' them, encouraging them to reveal their authentic selves, which in turn fosters trust and reciprocation.
• Research by Nick Eppley suggests people underestimate how much others crave being asked personal questions; question-asking is an underrated social skill that builds connection, contrasting with the 'ZQ' (Zero Questions) tendency.
• Psychologist Greg Walton describes 'TIFBITs' (Tiny Fact, Big Theory) where individuals overreact to small pieces of information, blowing them out of proportion and triggering negative thought spirals.
• A 'fixed mindset' - believing one's intelligence is static - makes individuals unresilient to setbacks, unlike a 'growth mindset' which interprets mistakes as opportunities for learning and development.
• To escape negative spirals, Greg Walton suggests strategies like setting 'proximal goals' (breaking down large tasks into small, manageable steps) and using 'checkpoints' to evaluate progress, which can increase confidence and reduce daily overwhelm.
• Expressive writing, as developed by Jamie Pennebaker, helps individuals process deep thoughts and feelings, turning challenges into coherent narratives with a beginning, middle, and end, thereby interrupting ruminative thought cycles.
• Leaning on social connections is essential for escaping downward spirals; interacting with loved ones who offer different perspectives and interests can help individuals in dark places re-engage with the world and foster upward momentum.

Other (5)

• The reality show *Love on the Spectrum* has garnered praise for its sensitive portrayal of neurodiverse individuals, becoming a significant hit on Netflix due to its unique, socially responsible approach to dating series.
• Keanu Cleary, creator of *Love on the Spectrum*, began his career in film as an assistant cat wrangler on the *Babe* sequel, later working on blockbusters like *The Matrix* and *Notting Hill*.
• Cleary's ability to capture intimate footage discreetly, noted by Baz Luhrmann as being 'invisible,' facilitated a career pivot from production runner to reality television.
• A difficult experience with a cast member on *Farmer Wants a Wife* led to Keanu Cleary's first lead directing role for *Changing Minds*, an Australian docuseries set in a locked psychiatric ward.
• Working on *Changing Minds* required a sensitive approach to consent, involving triple consenting, often with family, and follow-ups post-recovery, acknowledging stories were sometimes lost due to later withdrawal.